All's Fair in Love and War
by Basikilos
Summary: Those poor characters..they never knew that every action that they made and every conversation that they had was something controlled by a master puppeteer. They didn't even have control over who they fell in love with! And that made for some interesting situations...A spin-off from Matchmaking Woes. Much more crackfic-y!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: None of it is mine u_u

* * *

"My beloved darling! How do you fare?" Chrom whipped his gorgeous blue bangs out of his eyes and called out to the love of his life.

"Oh Chrom, it's been ever so long since we last saw each other," his wife giggled as he swept her up in his arms and planted a kiss on her cheek. "I've missed you so!"

"As have I, my darling," he replied grandly. "But please, my dear Maiden, let us not talk of the sorrowful days for which we have been parted. For now that we are finally united once more we can be married in a fortnight!" He dropped to his knees and procured a ring. "What say you, my love?"

Maiden shivered with pleasure. She had no idea what had caused such a grand lord to fall in love with _her_, a generic and ordinary girl, but whatever it was, she was glad for it. "Why wait so long, my dear? Can we not be married tomorrow?" she asked.

His brow furrowed. "Ah, that is what I would have wished for, but Lissa reminded me that there are official invitations to send, exalted guests to invite who would feel snubbed if they weren't, priests needed to officiate – it's the burden that comes with my station," he sighed melodramatically. "Forgive me, my dear!"

She pressed a hand to his chest. "All is forgiven, my love. I should have known that there would be such roadblocks to our love when I chose to love one as dignified as you."

Behind her, Sully noiselessly mimed throwing up, Lissa gagged in an unladylike manner, Maribelle shook her head disapprovingly, and Virion sighed. "Even I could not match such a performance! It's a fine shame when Prince Chrom treads on my title as the most charming man of Ylisse," he exclaimed.

Chrom ignored him and stared deeply into his true love's eyes. "Remember the day we first met, my love? We were saving your village from bandits."

She looked back, enraptured by those bright blue orbs. "I remember! I remember!"

* * *

Alex jerked back, staring in shock at the facebook chat he had been having. He couldn't believe what he was reading! But his fingers were quickly back on the keyboard, rapidly typing out a reply.

"You did what?"

His friend, Jasper, quickly affirmed what he had been dreading. "I didn't let Chrom socialize with anybody," Alex read, accompanied with a giant "LOL". "He kept marrying the people I wanted to marry."

Rolling his eyes, Alex typed his reply. "You know you can only marry one person, right...?"

"I can still make them all love me." That was typical Jasper for you, Alex thought. He read on. "And then choose one at the end and break all of their hearts hahaha."

"Why are you my friend?" Alex replied sarcastically. He was a little bit serious, though. Sometimes Jasper could be _weird_. "Anyways, just warning you that Chrom marrying this random chick is going to have some _badddd_ consequences," he stressed.

"Whatevs," Jasper responded. "I can deal with them when I have to."

* * *

One week later, Alex leaned back in his chair contentedly. "Well, now I can say 'I told you so'," he murmured to himself. On his computer screen was a flashing red facebook message.

"Help me!" Jasper had typed in all capitals. "I can't get anywhere! Lucina's such a terrible character. Why does she suck so much..."

He smirked. "Nothing I can do," he typed back. "It's your fault for getting Chrom to marry the maiden."

* * *

A/N: I really wanted to do this in chat format, but FFn rules don't allow that =/ Also, I decided to split Matchmaking Woes into another story, because the formatting changes so drastically starting from this chapter on.


	2. Chapter 2

"My dear Morgan!" Owain grasped Morgan's hands. "Marry me! We shall elope in the mountains and the bards will sing tales of our immeasurable star-crossed love! My love for you surpasses all! Even my burning passion for Justice Cabal cannot overwhelm my affection for you. A union as unheard of as ours deserves a name…we could be the Eternal Star-Crossed Lovers of Ylisse!"

"Oh, but Owain," Morgan quickly drew her hands away and looked away demurely. "I love you dearly, but you know that this is taboo. We could never…get married. Not with things the way they are."

Owain puffed out his chest proudly. "I am the Scion of Legend! Nothing can stop our…unstoppable bond!" he yelled. "My sword hand…" he murmured as it began to tremble. "It HUNGERS! Back away Morgan! If you are killed by my hand, I will not be able to live with myself! …But what a wonderful tragedy it would make!"

Morgan giggled, covering her mouth with a delicate hand, and peeked at him from under long eyelashes. "Owain, you always know how to make me laugh! But you know our love is forbidden. It is taboo," she said in a much more serious tone.

"The Shepherds are more accepting than you know," Owain dropped his voice down to a normal level. "Why, Uncle Chrom even accepted his daughter's marriage to one of his closest friends! My dear, sweet, Morgan, mayhaps they might even condone our love."

He watched as she raised her gaze to meet his, her eyes full of beautifully shining hope. His blood began to boil and his ears began to ring. No! Dark Owain had to suppress his willful desires and listen to what the love of his life had to say. Even if her lips were beckoning to him as wantonly as those of the Seductress of Silver Snakes.

"…And what if…" her voice trembled. "What if they don't?"

"Well, then," Owain tapped his chin thoughtfully. "We can run away. The scion of legend and his beautiful lady love shall abscond into the darkness, where none can judge their forbidden bond. And there they shall remain, until the very moment when Grima rises against to strike the exhausted, near-defeated Shepherds. Then shall we emerge to save the day, as the sun rises gloriously behind us for a radiant dawn!"

* * *

"So…let me get this straight," Alex addressed his friend Kevin. "You married Lucina…"

"Yup," Kevin nodded.

"And then you had Morgan marry Owain. Can I ask why?" Alex shouted the last three words, trying to imbue them with all the sarcasm and urgency he could muster.

Kevin winced. "I-I…I couldn't help it," he proffered timidly. "Once I found out that people could marry each other in Fire Emblem: Awakening, I had to make the weirdest family trees possible. It was just too good to pass up the chance. I mean, think about it. I'm Chrom's best friend! And then I marry his daughter. And then my daughter Morgan pops up out of nowhere. Imagine how Chrom feels…I mean, she's got to come from _somewhere_, if you know what I mean. Isn't that kind of funny, in the most twisted way ever?"

"Okay. Maybe just a little. But was the Owain part really necessary?" Alex persisted.

"I just wanted to see it was possible!" his friend exclaimed, justifying his actions. "I didn't think they would _actually_ get married. I mean, she's his second-niece!"

"And here I thought it was impossible to accidentally marry two people," Alex sighed. "Well, it's your save file, so I guess what you do is your business."

"Hm…I wonder if I could get Morgan to marry Inigo…since Chrom's married to Olivia, that would be _so_ wrong. The possibilities are endless!" He exclaimed excitedly. "Hey, wait! Are you judging me?"

"Yup." Alex raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'd wish you good luck in your quest to make the strangest family tree, but I don't think I want to hear about your results. I'm sure you'll have lots of fun trying."

Kevin snickered and rubbed his hands together wickedly. "Oh trust me, I _will_."

* * *

A/N: Owain and his product placement, haha…


	3. Chapter 3

Kellam waited.

He watched as the other members of the Shepherds found love, found happiness, and met their children from the future.

He watched the newcomer whom they had found in the field gradually become one of Chrom's greatest allies. He watched her become the center of the group, one of the most well-loved and well-known Shepherds. He wasn't jealous, of course, just…envious. He wondered how in such a short span of time she had been able to so thoroughly integrate herself into their company.

He watched as the fiery redhead that he had admired from afar was wed to another. He'd been to their wedding, but had slipped away, unable to congratulate her. It wasn't as though anybody noticed that he had been missing.

He watched, and realized, that more and more the tactician kept him relegated to the sidelines. To the supply tents, away from battle, away from company, away from other soldiers.

Forgotten as usual.

But he had seen how the tactician would switch around positions, rotating soldiers in and out so that everyone could get a fair share of experience and equipment. He had seen the tactician slyly matchmaking, putting soldiers next to one another and giving them a gentle _nudge_. There were still a few unwed out there, he knew. Brave Say'ri, with her piercing eyes and daring resolve. Steadfast Cordelia, with her flowing red hair and unwavering courage. Though he knew she loved Chrom, perhaps, just perhaps –

And so he duly waited for his turn.

* * *

Joanne poked Alex in the back with the hand that wasn't holding a 3DS. "Hey, Alex, did you know that it's Kellam's birthday today?"

"No, I didn't," Alex replied. "Why should I care? To be honest, I kind of forgot he was even in my army."

She shrugged nonchalantly. "That was kind of my point. Isn't it kind of sad how he's always overlooked in game? Actually, I was originally going to match him to support Sully, but for some reason, after getting a bunch of new characters from some chapter, I just totally forgot about him. He's just in the bottom of my character list, along with a bunch of other useless characters like Miriel, Sumia, Frederick, and Donnel. I rarely even look at them anymore, haha."

Alex turned around to stare at her disapprovingly. "What is Donnel doing in the reject's list? You should be using him!"

"Ughh…but he's so much trouble to train. I got tired of him dying over and over again when I tried to use him in normal chapters, and he's so weak compared to my other characters now," Joanne whined.

"You should be using him. Donnel's got aptitude! He'll be an invaluable character before you know it," Alex argued. "He could easily replace any of the other characters in your party. Let me see who you have in there…Ricken? And Maribelle? Really? Come on."

"But I _like_ Ricken! And he and Maribelle are just so cute!" They continued to debate over Joanne's disuse of Donnel, and whatever they had been talking about before was soon long forgotten.

* * *

Kellam kept on waiting.

* * *

A/N: Poor Kellam…sometimes I really feel bad for him, haha. Also he's not a bad character at all! Just easily forgotten, I guess.


End file.
